Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Resisting the Cave

Well I can't say that today was any better than yesterday.  In fact in many ways it was unfortunately worse. I'm in near full panic mode... or I was at least for a good portion of the day. I even had a meeting with my manager, where I actually started crying. Yep, me, who tries to not cry at all if I can help it and definately not in public boo hooed in a meeting at my place of work.

It was mid afternoon as I attempted to continue to focus on my work and use it as a distraction from my personal hell, I realized what I was fighting... I have felt like I've been fighting since last week, some invisible foe that I just couldn't beat. Then I figured it out! It's my cave! My cave want's me back and I don't want to have anything to do with it!!

So what is my "cave" you ask? Well you know that unexplained reason I'd stop writing to the blog and then come back all gun-ho and ready to live life again? That was my cave that made me dissapear. I suppose you could call it depression in conventional terms. I prefer the term "cave".  My cave has a lovely couch and cable and it's temperature regulated, there are even some stalagmites that support the sofa. :-) I however REFUSE absolutely REFUSE to go back in... I'm resisting, and in some moments it's taking every fiber of my mental strength to do it.

Even my status on Facebook stated that all I wanted to do is crawl under the covers and wait for the world to go away. I'm generally reasonably optimistic on Facebook, even in the darkest of times.

I just can't believe I'm faced with these feelings again, the feeling of being lost, and so out of control. I even called my MOM... I hate to call my parents when I, a full grown adult capable of anything I need to be had to call my mom.

I just didn't know what to do, where to go, what to plan for. Mom assured me that no matter what I always have family. Which did actually make me feel a little better.

I then went about my evening making sure my daily goals were being met... I made the Rumba practice, with some really good feeling Cuban motion, trying diligently to get my hips and knees to work that infinity motion, I think I might have done it right all of twice, and not even consecutively. I'll take it though!  I made it through a short cardio work out at the hotel gym. Not long enough but better than nothing, the endorphins are making me feel a little better which I still am reminding myself about starting. 

Eating today was pretty much the same as yesterday, not a drop of anything hit my stomach until 2pm, I was too busy, and sad to eat today, which is really really bad, and probably my biggest problem. I don't eat frequently enough which then shuts down my metabolism and just helps me pack on the weight. So I guess I'm going to have to make a goal of eating more frequently... I am fully aware of how strange that sounds AND I know I'm not the only one that eats that way! (That doesn't make it proper, I know.)

I'm feeling better, and as much as I want to crawl into bed and wish the world away, I can't actually sleep... the lights go off and my mind sets to racing. Something has to be done about that, really soon!

Tomorrow is another day, and it's a day with a dance lesson! I bet that will help...

I have a question though... when you get stressed what's your "cave" like?


Anonymous said...

My cave consists of hiding under the blankets for 10+ hours a day, drinking until I can't remember why I am sad, and even, at times, wanting to hurt myself. I saw a therapist and trust me, it helps. I have chronic depression and know I will have to live with it my entire life. It is an illness that doesn't go away without support.

Miss Kitty said...

Hi Anonymous... thank you so much for sharing! You are absolutely right persistant deep dark "cave like" feelings don't go away without support! I'm so glad you were able to get some. Thank you for sharing a piece of your Journey.

Much Respect,