Monday, March 14, 2011

Weekend Recap, Am I Living in Fear? NOT Anymore!

Hi Everyone!
I hope you all had a great weekend! Happy Pre-St. Patrick's Day!
My weekend started on Friday night with a very nice Dance Party at the studio, where I actually got several dances in, most notably two Cha Cha's where my leads took my written words and used them against me by leading me into that Open Cross Over Break, The lead starts with what I think is an open break but no, I am presented with my lead's flat palm which tells me he's going to "push" me into a I spin...face the opposite direction, once again I'm presented with an open palm to be "pushed" in the other very left like direction and then AGAIN back to right and the move is over.  Admittedly the first time, with my first Cha Cha partner the Cha was slow enough that I executed the move in what I would call a passable manner, second time I was not so lucky.

I also got several dances in with Michael of Bonnie's Belle Gowns, he's always such a joy to dance with! He makes sure to snag me for a Salsa and on this night we also did a Rumba! I'm getting a small bit better now too so I'm enjoying every step a lot more than a few weeks ago.

It was a little later when Rocky picked me up for my third Cha Cha of the evening, he started the dance by air boxing a little, and I didn't get the reference (duh).

We had a bit of a back and forth about his reading the blog and actually really liking it. Which makes me feel great! It's much nicer when the characters in my life appreciate that I write about it. NOW I can proceed with lessons and working with my new pro Rocky as it should be. We had an ok Cha Cha better than anticipated by me anyway. Shortly after that I headed out for my friends' and mine Friday tradition, where we go out to unwind after a dance party and chill out before heading home.

There was some very exuberant discussion about working out at this little post party gathering, which made me feel bad about not hitting my workouts as hard this past week. It made me question why I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I know I could/should. In the end a couple of us kind of came up with a plan to kind of encourage each other. So that's promising, I have got to get my butt in gear... I'm so ready...and I'm SO making up excuses to start "tomorrow." 

On to Saturday, I was on call for work, which entails being ready to answer calls and e-mails all weekend, now there is no reason why I couldn't bring my blackberry into the hotel gym with me to get at least 30-40 min on the treadmill in, but did I? No. Why? Because I was on call and used that as an excuse to not to.

Jumping to Sunday I did manage to get out of the hotel for a few hours, thankfully it was a slow on call Sunday, but I still didn't work out. I've mentally made all kinds of plans and commitments to my healthy life style though.

I am so there mentally, I am so ready to rock the casba and get back to the greatness that once was. Why can't I just suck it up and do it?? Then while receiving some Soap Box style lecturing from a friend, he really hit on something....

"We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears" - De La Rochefoucauld 

That's exactly what I've done! EXACTLY what so many of us have done in promising to do better, get better, and live life. So let's turn the tables for a second, I'm not going to tell you what I'm going to do... You'll know it as we go on this journey together. What I'm going to do is tell you what I'm afraid of, and what's causing me to "perform according to my fears." 

So, huh.. well... I don't spend a lot of time focusing on my fears on a conscious level.... What it seems to come down to am I afraid of succeeding or am I afraid of failing? I'm actually kind of afraid of both. If I succeed in my goals of an honest to God healthy life...what then? Do I really know what it's like to NOT be the fat chick in the room? Not really. However I'm a long way from here to "Not the fat chick in the room." let's be honest. I do have a major fear of the unknown that I have been aware of since this whole fire business for sure. I'm not afraid to be confident anymore that's one thing I definitely take away from starting dance.

On the failure side, what's lurking in those dark corners? Well the idea of being injured again for sure comes to mind, but that's not what really pulled me off the path to begin with, it certainly hurt my return, but what originally got me off the path was unemployment. Not having finances, and being made to feel terrible by some in my life for even attempting to spend what I had on dancing just ruined it for me, and in my case distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder, I more have the out of sight out of mind reaction to things. And... AND.. how much a fool was I for being made to feel bad for trying to do the best thing that ever popped into my life? Pffft... Yeah hindsight is 20/20 and it's not pretty.

So if we distill this even further, I'm afraid of the unknown, and of a repeat performance based on past experiences.

That makes me want to ask...what are you afraid of? Care to share? You can post anonymously by clicking on the word "comments" at the bottom of this post.

Ok... well.. wow.... that's all very overwhelming for me. I think what I have to do is take this one day at a time, tomorrow isn't scary... next week isn't either... Where I could be a  month from now? That starts to make me a little nervous. This battle out of the dark place, or the cave as it has so often been referred to, on the public front is going well, now it's time for the private side (which isn't all that private...I'm a blogger) 

Head first, blinders on to the fear... I'm going to promise based on my hopes and outperform based on my actual capability. We already know that I'm stronger than I even realize... so now I just have to tap into it. Care to come a long for the ride? It's gonna be a good one.Ups, Downs, Twists, and Turns... some of you even get to actually witness it, and you'll definitely be reading about it.

Last week I hit the gym three times for some paltry at best workouts... this week I'm going to do my very best to get there every day... we could place some bets on that too! How many times are you going to hit the gym and/or the dance floor this week!


Anonymous said...

I fear: rejection, loneliness, depression, being broke, death.

Miss Kitty said...

Hi Anon... thanks for your participation!

Those are some pretty valid things to be afraid of, I'm right along with you on them too! Esp the lonelieness and depression.

Hopefully we'll both beable to shake those fears soon! :-)