The Odometer is About to get Half Way to 70...

... or so my Dad was kind enough to remind me earlier last week. :-)

My girls Salsa and ChaCha are ready to party!

So, my birthday is kind of a big deal. Not for anyone except me. My birthday is a unique experience to me, and I think your birthday should be a unique experience for you too! Even if you don't like to mark the day with a big public celebration, you should take the time out to do something you love, or be around the people you love, or try something new. Heck, do all three!

It's rare that I really promote Dr. Seuss, but in this occasion the man is spot on: "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." That should be true every day, but none so much as when your birthday rolls around.

So why, you may ask, do I make a big deal of my birthday? Well there are quite a few reasons actually...

First, is because it wasn't that long ago that I couldn't really see myself having many more birthdays. I really didn't have an eye on the future and one of the struggles I had as I hit my teens and twenties was depression. So I was almost surprised every year when my birthday would come around and I would feel like Whew! Made it another year! How the heck did that happen? For some reason depression has this big taboo around it as far as topics one might discuss, more so than just about any other topic. You know what though? Depression is a thing, it happens to some people, it happens a lot more often than you think it does because no one ever wants to talk about it. Since I have been maybe 27 or 28 I have become really good at recognizing when I'm in Depression's grasp and I manage to deal with it pretty okay, but that was not always the case. So now, I like to celebrate out loud that I'm here and I'm not going anywhere!

An Ornament from a family friend "Celebrating Adoption"

Another is because I am adopted. I am a proud, wear it on my sleeve, fly the flag if there is one, adopted kid. Don't get my description mixed up, the family I've been with since I was 5 days old is my family. I couldn't imagine feeling the same way about them for anyone else. I love the fact that fate landed me in the family it did, and my life is all that much more rich because of how and where I grew up. There is however a larger than small piece of me that needs to celebrate me. I am part of this wonderful rich family tree, but I'm not genetically tied to it. I need to take time out to recognize and be proud of myself because when it comes down to it... I am the foundation of my own family tree, or as I like to put it my family tree starts with me! 



Now this always brings the one question to everyone's mind.... "Did you or do you ever want to find your biological family?" My answer to that has always been that I am here if they want to find me, but I am not going to make any great strides to find them. Now, there was an opportunity that I kind of fell into (the details of which are too long and sorted to explain here) just after I turned 28 where I was one person removed from having a phone conversation with a biological relative. The goal was to see if I could glean any medical history about my biological family. This person, called a woman who would technically be my biological maternal grandmother and asked if my birth date means anything to them, and if it did, would they be willing to share any medical history information. The response was clear, "No the birth date means nothing to us, but there is no medical history to share, tell her that we do not want to be contacted." 

That was the message I received from this intermediary of sorts. Well hmmm.... It took a minute for me to absorb that. Basically I interpret that as being a flat out denial of my existence, and quite frankly that makes me angry. I am a strong, powerful, independent spirit and to be told that I don't exist really sticks in my craw. I wanted to yell it from the rooftops that "I EXIST DAMMIT!" So I make sure that on the date that I know at least one biological relative thinks of me, that I am off somewhere living it up doing something that makes me happy and feel alive.

My Tattoo Celebrates my Roots

A few years later, I was in the small town in Wyoming where I was born, with my Dad, visiting the doctor that delivered me and subsequently set up my adoption. We also spent time with this very kind lady who was the intermediary for that fateful message. I asked after that phone conversation from a few years prior and learned that the woman who might be a biological relative had since passed away. Thus ending any chance I will ever have in my life of ever being able to seek out any biological family. (long story, but trust me the lead is dead.) I'm not all that broken up about it, I just have even more reason to celebrate the person I've become.

Generally I insist on having a dance lesson ON my birthday, at least I did during the years of dancing because it is what really makes me feel alive and as previously stated many times it feeds my spirit. THIS year since my birthday is on a weekend and I have not even checked with Steve to see if Get On The Floor is open on that day, it seems I'm getting something even better! I don't know all the details, because some of my friends have taken it upon themselves to plan a soiree for me, but I know there will be dancing! I am continually honored and humbled by how good the people in my life are to me, I am indebted to them for the rest of my life.

The last big reason I make a HUGE point to celebrate my birthday is because it is the time that I attack what would normally be called "New Year's Resolutions". Only that always seems forced to me, and far be it from me to do anything the same way as anyone else! I take the time around my birthday to take stock in what I want to keep in my life, and what I'd like to change. I then attempt to outline a plan for how to make those changes.

Does anyone else celebrate their birthday in a similar manner?

This year a big thing for me is to work on Time Management, and to be extremely mindful of my eating habits (which generally means that I need to EAT, as I am not overweight because of over eating, but rather from lack of consuming enough calories and my metabolism is in a constant flux with starvation). In addition to making sure that I am mindful of my eating habits (I refuse to use the word "diet" because I think it comes with ugly meanings and nasty memories) I will start to make and reach goals in physical fitness, whether it be weight loss, or increasing my stamina, or both. I will see an improvement there.

If you made or are making promises to change in this coming year, what are yours?

Would you like to work on them together?

Next week I will write about the bits of dancing that have happened, I didn't have a lesson the previous week so there wasn't much to miss. And of course you'll hear about my birthday celebration. :-)

What is your favorite way to celebrate life? I'd love to hear it!

Don't forget, if you're in Chicago you can find me at Get On The Floor Dance Company, I'd love for you to come on by and join me in the Ballroom fun!

Fear and Loathing in Weight Loss

So I write about my loves and I write about my loathes and I write about my fears... always managing to hang on to one or two grains of me for myself. One can't possibly truly go all in right? Well...

So who out there is ready to lose weight in 2014? Anyone know what that really means for themselves? I'm not even really sure I know what that all means for me and this is my second time around on the weight loss mission.

When I think about this path that I'm back on, and how excited I am to be back on it. How I am grateful beyond words that not only did I manage to find my true love of Ballroom again, but it's managed to find me right back, I still have some reservations...

There is a lot of fear that comes with losing weight. Do you know what I mean?

There is a fear of not being able to be my same self, don't get me wrong here... I rather like who I am... I'm just not a fan of what I look like. There is a fear of not having the same people in my life. There is a huge fear of not being treated the same way.

Have you ever felt that way when you made a big change?

Here's what's funny about it, the way a fat girl is treated in public isn't nice. It seems the way a tall fat girl is treated can be a bit rougher than my petite counterparts. Although my theory is that I get treated the way I do more because of my shape than my actual size. I am not built with an hour glass figure, I can't wear an empire waist without looking totally pregnant, and if I wear a baseball cap in public someone will address me as sir at some point during the day. I usually describe myself as either "coming from good Polish peasant stock" or as an "NFL football player w/ a rack." In all fairness my size actually intimidates some people from treating me poorly, nothing like clamming up the idiots that may shout things at me at the mall because their dumb asses are actually afraid I might really sit on them.

But that's what I know... it's what I'm comfortable with, I don't know what it would be like to have that perception change. Ever since 7th grade I'm hesitant about hugging someone I don't know super well because I was constantly informed that it is disgusting to touch a fat person. (Remember, if you hear something enough... you start to believe it.) So what would it be like to be different? Admittedly Ballroom dancing helped me change that perception about myself while in the studio and amongst people I know, but this girl still doesn't get asked to dance much by unknown partners if she goes out to dance. It doesn't even offend me anymore, it seems perfectly logical to me that I wouldn't get asked to dance when there are so many other seemingly more attractive options. My head is on a constant swivel any time I go anywhere there is seating because I currently exceed the weight limit posted on some items like, outdoor furniture, plastic furniture, and anything that is inflatable, and even some folding chairs. What would it be like to not have to do that? I get paranoid anytime I share a two person bench with someone because I already weigh as much as two people, well I definitely did... and I definitely do weigh as much as two petite people now. Don't even know what it would be like to not have to worry about it.

I can't possibly be the only one that thinks this way right?

Hell... I've even broken my bed before... (I sat on one corner too often when changing clothes, but still...what do you think that does to a person's head?) .... Like how I explained that one out for you? I couldn't possibly have you think that I laid down in bed one night and the whole thing just fell through.. which has happened to people I know.

The rational side of me knows that a lot of what I feel is perceived is all in my head. On a logical level I know that, but that doesn't mean I can rationalize it out. Yet.

Does this make sense to you?

Much like Stockholm Syndrome a person becomes very used to the way things are, the way they perceive themselves in the world around them. With  something such as being obese, which is prejudiced against in a similar way to race, or sexual identities, or anything perceived as different, an obese person can actually change their situation. Well not everyone can, but some can and many have chosen to. But what happens to the way the person perceives themselves when the world around them begins to perceive them differently? I think there is a lot of catching up that has to happen.

What would it be like to go into a department store and have the sales people want to help me? The only place that happens now is in the stores that are designed around "people like me," or the establishments where I have set myself up as a regular customer.

I fear change, well not all change, I've actually worked at interpreting change to mean adventure and I really think those two words should be next to each other in the Thesaurus if they're not already. The change that comes with deciding to lose weight, or as I prefer to think of it, be more fit, and guarantee that my life is going to be different... forever... Yeah that ranks right up there with my fear of heights, and jellyfish.

I'm better prepared this time than last, I have more knowledge about my own body, more knowledge on nutrition, and even more knowledge on anatomy and physiology. I have an increased understanding of why people think the way they do and why I think the way I do. I had no idea what to expect the last time around, and I think I have a better team around me to help me out if I stumble, or lose my way. 

Having a team around you is key. Life changes can very rarely be successfully done all on your own.

If you're looking for a team, I'd be happy to join you in your big grand adventure. :-)

What scares you about change? What excites you about it?

I think I'm probably most excited about the things I'll be able to do as I get more fit. Like an hour long cardio work out, I'd like to do the splits again, I'd like to ride horses again at some point as well. I'd also like to be able to dance and wear my pro instructor out.... and not because he has to do most of the work. :-)

So... I'm scared, I loathe being scared, but I'm excited too... and blissfully most days the excitement trumps the fear. I want to be able to tell you that I'm just going to suck it up and move forward, and I will as much as I can....but there are going to be days that aren't that easy. Would you like to come along so we can cheer on each other?

Don't forget... if you'd like to join me in this big adventure and you're in Chicago you can find me, dancing with Steve, Franny, and the Get On The Floor team at Http://www.getonthefloordanceco.com

Gym Time... Fitness Assessment! Dun Dun Dun..... The scary numbers are in... and published!

Hey there everyone! I just had a fabulous Sunday at my first Holiday Showcase! I am going to tell you all about it I promise! I just have a lot of information to process and I never did tell you about my Fitness Assessment which is just as important to this life as getting back on the floor is.....

So for those of you that are new here, a big part of what Ballroom Dancing does for me, and part of what I write about, is that Dancing allows me to put into perspective other things in my life that I generally tend to avoid... like... the gym, or really pushing myself during a workout, or maybe it's a fear of going to the clothing store to try stuff on because I know I'll hate what I look like. Or maybe I'll not approach someone I need to talk to. Since I had started Ballroom Dancing all of that became easier. When I stopped Ballroom Dancing...after a while...it all got harder again.

So back to the gym... I belong to a gym...which I have dutifully been attending 3x a week. It's a very nice gym and as far as gyms go I really like it a lot. As a new member of this facility they offer a free Fitness Assessment that has to be taken within the first 3 months of membership... well my third month just started and I hadn't scheduled my Fitness Assessment yet. Why you ask? Because I didn't want to face the ugly truth of the real numbers!

A Fitness Assessment includes: Height, Weight, BMI, Flexibility, Hip to Waist measurement and ratio, Blood Pressure, Strength, and a Cardiovascular fitness test. Yeah...pffft... I hadn't really been on the scale since I joined the gym and THAT number was enough to keep me going to the gym, and pretend the scales weren't there. I was really close to my pre-dancing weight. I have some people in my life who like to occasionally remind me that they think my heart is going to give out on me at any moment (if you hear something enough you start to believe it) and I've done enough research in diet and nutrition to know that the rest of my numbers are not going to be good. Who wants to face that? DENIAL is oh so much more than a river in Egypt!

The same week I had my lesson with Steve, you know... last week. ;-) I got an e-mail from Z at my gym, he's a Personal Trainer and holds degrees in the things that really fit fitness minded people get when they want to do this type of work for a living. Anyway... he e-mailed to let me know that my time was running out and did I want to schedule. No, I didn't, but since I was back in the ballroom and Steve and I have agreed to get me back on the better path I thought better of it and scheduled.

I met Z at 9:45 in the morning... I... am... not...a...morning....person. And he was a cute little fresh out of college looking guy, this didn't improve my morning persona or my nerves because now... I felt old. My main concern when working with a personal trainer is that I be treated like a human and not like a fat human. Believe you me there is a certain way that overweight people get treated sometimes that would really just blow your mind. Z was very awesome about treating me like a human, who was there for her fitness assessment. :-)

We started with BP... high side of the normal range, but then I was nervous and I did talk through part of it. Then on to waist to hip ratio... I was brave, I told him he could tell me the numbers so I could keep track, I have been measured for things in the past and never once looked at the numbers. Well by default (because most people don't want to see them) he didn't show them to me.

I was really nervous... I kept talking, and then yelling at myself not to talk...and occasionally my inner monologue became my outer monologue (It's never good when that happens). Somehow through the course of it all I found out that his parents made him take Ballroom lessons for 2 years when he was in high school... the world needs more parents like his! :-) 

Next up height and weight... now I've been the same 5'10.25" since I was 16 at least... so I lined up against the wall, I tried to channel my inner dancer person and stand up straight. I was in stocking feet, and I made Z measure me twice.... because he had me logged at a full on 5'11"!!! Grrrrr.... tall girls have it kind of rough, and tall fat girls have it even rougher.... I do NOT want to be taller!! On the up side I'm pretty sure that it was the Ballroom that helped my posture which accounts for the height.

Next up... weight... now I was a little nervous.... although I know I'd lost weight... all of my jeans and pants had been falling off of me for weeks (once literally while I was coming up the outside stairs of my apartment and yes, there were neighbors to witness it!) and over the last month or so, anyone that didn't see me on a daily basis was commenting that I looked like I'd lost some weight. One never does really know if that's politeness or actual observation. So I got on the fancy pants scale and waited...

Here's what I'll tell you (and after having my weight printed in a national magazine once, and before that being on OPRAH with my Mom talking about sex, what I share now isn't quite as big a deal for me as it might be for you to see it) At my highest point this year I was hovering around 360lbs.... yep... well over the size of two people... I'm aware. When I started at the gym I was around 340lbs which is pretty much my start weight in 2006 when I started dancing the first time. I figured (because my pants falling off in public wasn't a big enough clue) that I was about the same, maybe maybe I was 330lbs. I have a terrible time, as do most women, losing weight around my middle... and that also happens to be where I carry most of my weight, so unless I see a big change there, I disregard the fact that my butt has gone completely missing as a sign of weight loss. So anyway... I'm waiting for this number and I'm prepared for anything he has to say... he asked me what my top weight was... I told him... he said (because I couldn't see the screen) "Well you're not there anymore...how does 312 sound?"

I was off that scale and reading that screen faster than lightning... I'm not even sure how I got there... "No way! Are you serious? How accurate is this thing? Am I really two hard weeks away from the 200's? I mean don't get me wrong, that number sucks, but are you serious?"

So apparently I was 15-25lbs lighter than I ever thought (and Z was a little overwhelmed by my reaction).... huh... work and working out must agree with me right now. But I wouldn't be standing in this room with Z if I didn't know weight loss and overall fitness makes me a better dancer. You may think it's a terrible number, that you can't imagine what weighing this much would be like. You may even look at me next time you see me after reading this and not feel the same way towards me because you know this seemingly private thing about me...

It's a freaking number...get over it. A person weighs what they weigh until they decide to change it or it is changed for them via surgery or illness. That's all it is.

Next up in the Fitness Test was flexibility... no worries there I did the Sit and Reach in Junior High just like every body else... meh. I am good at increasing my flexibility. Then we did the strength test, I literally scored off the charts for my category... apparently I have sound reason for worrying about breaking things because I don't know my own strength. (Not really, the test chart has ridiculously low expectations.)

BMI was a good 20 points higher than I would like it to be at least.... but that part I knew already.

Cardiovascular Fitness... Me, a stationary bike, a heart monitor, and Z doing my BP every 2 minutes. The task was to keep my RPM's within a certain range as the resistance on the bike increased... also to tell Z how difficult I thought it was using some arbitrary scale on the wall. This was the easiest cardio fitness test EVER. Well I never got above a 3 in the scale on the wall (it was EASY). Basically my cardiovascular health is really sound (Z had to do the calculations twice because he didn't really believe it.) My VO2 level or rate is 50 (VO2 is a measurement of how efficient your body is at using the oxygen you breath in) he tells me 52 is considered excellent. Woo hoo!

Bottom line... because I asked him to break it down for me. My knees and whatever other joint issues I might have, are the only things keeping me from doing anything I want. And AND... just what every inherently lazy person like myself loves to hear.... "Wow, yeah Kat if you really want to see changes you're going to have to push yourself hard." Meaning... if I don't push myself in my workouts then I won't see much improvement because I'm already in decent shape.

Guess who hasn't been pushing herself in her workouts, and asked her new dance teacher to take it super easy in their first lesson... yeah... that'd be me.

Oy! This is going to HURT... I'm ready... I think... nervous as hell about sustaining an injury... another injury that is... the last one took almost a full year to really properly heal.

We'll see... while I will not be signing up with Z for training sessions... no room in the budget... he did say he was going to start looking for me more often in the gym...

Great... and that extra 3/4" with the bright red hair... yeah..that'll help me blend in for sure. *eye roll* 

This is when the inner monologue really helps... I don't want to go to the gym, but I do want to be better at ballroom, I want to be better at ballroom a whole lot MORE than I don't want to go to the gym... okay... I'm on my way to the gym.

That inner monologue right there is what got me to negotiate myself down 100lbs a few years ago.

Speaking of which.... time for bed for me...because I have to get to the gym... :-)

Next post up as soon as I can... Holiday Showcase 2013 - My Return to the Spectating Arena.

Dancing and Deliberating

Have you ever sat at your personal computer after work and just went ..... ? That was me last week. Not only did I go ..... but I didn't even get to sit at my computer once I got home from the office. The very thought of turning it on was dreadful. I just needed a break from technology. My job, I am a remote corporate trainer, consists of my sitting at a computer all day, I actually have to work in and plan opportunities to leave my cube, and some weeks it's very intense and busy and mentally makes me hate the technology that allows me to do it. So that's where I was.


In re-cap it wasn't such a bad week. Last Friday I went to the studio party, the highlight of which was Rocky performing a Mambo with HFC. I will tell you that I love the choreography for it, and given that it was a BRAND new routine for both dancers the performance was solid too!

Monday brought on a nice lesson where some goals were set. I have a test to the next level of the syllabus in June, or so I was informed, so Rocky and I have some work to do to get me ready. I'm excited about this goal because it gives us a good solid target to aim for that we both understand. Time to dust off my majors and hurry up and learn the last couple of steps in each dance. Perhaps I'll even change a major. That is to be determined. On a personal side I also plan on being back in my actual ballroom shoes before the test. I've been dancing in my Jazz shoes to help me put confidence back in my ankle. I hope to be back in ballroom shoes at least the week before the test so I can prep appropriately for the actual event.

This of course has me also planning and deliberating for my other goals, the weight loss goal being the most prevalent. I simply can not be the best I can be at my current weight. Since I've moved in I have made sure I have not filled my home with bad food. That trend has maintained itself for the last few weeks. I just have to make sure that I carry that over into what I bring for lunch at work, instead of having food delivered.

The rest of the week built in stress as I tried to meet my work goals to the near exclusion of everything else. Those actions made me seriously consider the whole work/life balance that I try so desperately to hang on to. If I work too much I become bitter, jaded, and infinitely frustrated. If I maintain my personal life it makes me appear to be a slacker in comparison to my co-workers who are very admirably living to work these days. I must find a balance.

Friday I had requested off some weeks ago in order to just have a three day weekend. Work is building and the summer is going to be quite hectic so I just wanted to have a three day weekend to appreciate what I have now that I'm back home and plan for the weeks to come. I decided last minute that I would attend a ballroom comp where Largo was competing with a couple of his students as well. That was just what I needed. This particular ballroom comp is the most prestigious in the area, and one I do enjoy from the venue to the competitors it's superb.

It was so nice to see Largo again, even if just for a few moments. He's still between professional partners at the moment so no competitions for him in that regard, but he has reconnected with some former students that he competes at a very high level pro/am with and that was quite the treat. Only Largo can hit the floor for the first time as an independent instructor and have each student he brings win their events straight out.

The rest of the weekend was quiet and I avoided technology with the best of my abilities as I continued to settle into my home. This week in an effort to push forward, I have two lessons. TWO! One with Rocky to prepare for my test, and one with a visiting instructor that may or may not decide to stay. Both lessons should be quite the challenge for very different reasons.

I will also tell you I have increased my between lesson practice and dancing with some dance based workouts, I'm just getting in the groove, but I'm about to let the reigns go and dive into this full blast. My stamina sucks right now and the only way I know to really get it back is to push... like really PUSH. Get my butt out of bed every morning and haul my butt into some kind of workout that is going to push me to the point of pain.. eventually beyond... and then after a while it won't hurt anymore and then it will be time to change up the game.

Hope you're with me! I'd love to hear what you do to deliberate and plan for your day to day, even more I'd love to hear how you execute it!

What’s Really Important?

I mean really… What's really important??

As I prepare to engage my full life and full schedule again. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Now that I have less free time, (not that I was ever super productive when I did have free time), what is really important to me and what I want to do?

Then… I saw this mini documentary in TLC last week. It was following one of the former winners of NBC's "The Biggest Loser" this gentleman was one of the people that lost the most amount of weight on the show. They were doing a "where is he now?" kind of follow up. This hit home for me… first because I auditioned for this show when I started dancing, and didn't make it… and second because he had regained ¾ of the weight back once the cameras were turned off. His reasoning was that once all the attention was off of him, he felt a little abandoned and stopped caring as much. Also, that while what he did on the show was amazing… that it didn't really teach him how to live daily life.

I can identify with him…

In my days of unemployment, I could have really chosen to kick up the workouts and kept up with the weight loss, let's face it… the last year and a half or so, I slid… I myself at one point had put back on 40 pounds of what I had lost…then dropped 20, then put back on 10… I think… I didn't pay that close attention… my family did though… every so often I'd get comments "Well you know you've put a lot of weight back on." Or whatever… That made me angry… but I was too busy being depressed. I couldn't see my way back to the path of good, healthy living. Could the reasons behind it be because I didn't have all that attention I was receiving from anyone and everyone in my dancing life to propel me forward? Was it possible that I was relying too much on outside influences to keep me on the path of a healthy life? ABSOLUTELY!

One BIG thing that has had me thinking in the days since I saw all of this on TV… is what does it come down to? It comes down to me… do I have the inner strength to reach my goals? Can I be humble enough to ask for help when I need it?

Well… my mind finally whittled all of that down into one simple question… What is really important? The other catalyst in all of this is that at my new job, where I'm meeting all these new people, who don't know me, my past, what I write, they vaguely know that I even dance. They have made comments about me being unique, and unusual, and things you don't normally hear from co-workers that hardly know me or my work ethic. THEY have noticed in two short weeks, some of the things I pride myself on… reminded me that I am the person I set out to be every day.

So now that I am working on building my life back up to what it should be, what it was two years ago, only better… I am continually asking myself "What is really important, no, REALLY important?… Am I willing to work to get and keep what is really important?"

The answer to the first is that it is REALLY important that I be proud of myself and my performance in everything I do. Whether I'm setting out to train a new client on software, write a blog post, dance a rumba, commit to my 10,000 dance steps a day program, go out with the dance gang after a party. I must enter and exit each one of those situations being proud of myself, and being proud of the way I handle whatever situations come up.

Ok...so now you ask what does it take for me to be proud of myself? Because, I did NOT come away from my unemployment experience being full of pride with the way I handled it. In fact… if I were to grade myself on it… I'd give myself a "D." So, for me to be proud of myself now… I have to put in the effort; I have to be honest with everybody, including myself. (That last bit is going to be tough… I'm exceptionally good at pulling the wool over my own eyes) Yeah, it can be said as easily as that… however to actually do it… now that's going to be the challenge.

I am still on the same mission I set out when I started this blog, well before I started this blog actually… I will be on it for the rest of my life, and right now… it's time that I start participating in my adventure as much as I THINK about participating in my own adventure. I am a very passionate person, and I've somehow limited myself to only expressing that passion in certain areas of my life… well that's gotta change.

So to answer the second part of the question... YES I am absolutely ready to put the work in and make this life everything I want it to be. I had it at one point in the not so distant past, it's time I regain it.. and keep it... for good. :-)

 

10,000 Dance Steps a Day Update:
For those of you on the 10,000 Dance Steps a Day program with me, I'm averaging 5,000 steps a day right now with some effort… I'm still working out my new schedule and waiting for my paychecks to start up so I can do things like put enough gas in my car to get to the dance studio, and gym again. This is not a setback, it's a mere rescheduling. Not everything can go exactly as planned… and I'm not giving up… so don't you do it either.

All Signs Point to Dance...

Hi kids! It's been a rough couple of weeks in the unemployment camp, which makes it harder to motivate for everything really. I do hope that all my American readers had a lovely Thanksgiving! Time to update you on what's been going on in my neck of the woods!

I really haven't popped my head in the studio but once in the last two, almost three weeks.

(you know it's bad when I walk in and RT just flat out asks me "What are you doing here?")Which is all my fault really... I just haven't been feeling up to much. As it is with most things this is a cycle, and I feel that it is coming to an end. (Thank goodness!) Right in the middle of my self imposed absence from the studio I was called with some really surprising news, an anonymous person decided to give me a BIG surprise holiday gift certificate to the studio! I was shocked and blown away by this! I still am! It reminded me of all that I've got at the studio, and while I haven't been back yet, really I did get my thank you note in for them. (That is of utmost importance after all!) I am very VERY grateful for this beam of light into my ballroom world! I took it as a sign, that I can't stop dancing... it seems every time it crosses my mind, just to myself, I haven't told anyone else, that I might not want to continue... something points me square back at dancing, it's unreal. Fate is really leaning hard on me to get back to dance!

As I said I still haven't really shown up to the studio yet... there is a lot of the old shame running around in my head, embarrassment too.. about what really honestly amounts to silly stuff... but that doesn't keep my head from magnifying it beyond measure. Until two days ago......

My membership to the gym lapsed, I let it.. I hated that gym and I didn't want to spend another dime there... not to mention that I didn't have anymore dimes. Anyway, I was going to go join the gym my sister belongs to, but it's out of my way, and anything out of my way is going to make it harder for me to go... then I noticed a new facility opening up a mere 6 blocks from my home. PERFECT! So I waited until I had the available money and went in to sign up, this gym isn't even built yet really, and it won't be finished until February or March... but they were offering a "pre construction" discount and monthly rate that nearly anyone can afford...including me. In the meantime though... since there isn't a gym there yet... I asked what I was supposed to do for my workouts. Well turns out there is another facility in the same chain I can go to for free (no monthly costs until the gym near my home opens). This facility that I'll be using in the meantime... guess where it is....no..come on... guess.... no guesses? Ok....

It's in the very same strip mall the studio I know and love is in!

So what it comes down to is... I was out of the studio, looking for a gym, which I don't like nearly as much as dancing, but need... one is going to be very near my home in the future...but in the meantime the only other place that I can work out on this great deal I got....is mere STEPS from the dance studio... the source of all my inspiration! Ok fate I get it... I need to work out AND get my butt back into the studio.. message received loud and clear already!

Here's the real kicker... if I decide to ignore the signs....bypass the studio and just go to this gym...what's the point in that??? The ONLY reason I even head in that direction anymore is because of the dance studio....why would I go to one and NOT the other? That would be unusually dense...even for me. Not only that...but fate seems to be sending me to my original studio in particular.... not just any studio... Fred Astaire Chicago North....

So, I'm working on kicking it back into gear.... I don't really have a choice here... I have really liked where fate has taken me over the last several years, and far be it from me to deny these big flashing neon signs that say I need to dance and continue down this path I started. It's still hard... the negative thoughts are still working against me, but I think I've found enough power to overrule them! Wish me luck! (again)

Finding The Way Again....

This past week has had it's typical ups and downs, but with the help of a few things and a few people, I'm finding my way again.

My biggest issue when I get off track is the food thing. I have the HARDEST time making good choices ALL the time. I honestly don't know how people do it, and I'm constantly finding new and unusual ways to keep my choices on the healthy side, and keeping in my extreme budget too. Conversely I slip into the old ways very easily.... However....I've now got a kitchen full of good food, and no need to run out and grab anything that will have me hating myself later. Isn't it totally crazy how something like eating the food that the commercials and such make look so good... can have you absolutely hating yourself after your last bite? I KNOW I'm not alone in that... and you know what? It's really hard... I know.. I'm not a planner when it comes to food... food is one of the last things I think about in a day... so I'll forget to eat.. and then I'll get HUNGRY... so hungry that ANYTHING will do... and that's what all those fast food and freezer sections in the grocery store are banking on. Then I eat..and I immediately feel terrible about what I've decided to eat. Then I end up eating because I'm upset... it's a never ending cycle... well no.. it's not never ending... because I'm ENDING IT!!!! I've got my latest secret weapon... Apples! They're handy, transportable, and mostly don't make a big mess when you eat them on the go... (and who doesn't have the antibacterial stuff with them anyway right?) Apples are not my favorite fruit.. but it's fall.. they're in season.. and they're on sale. :-) Not to mention that I am working on training my pallet (yeah that's right, you can train your tongue) to like the good natural foods again. I have some other foods that I've learned to keep around. I'll have to plan a post all about that.

In other news.... I'm still going to the gym, and I'm still hating it.. I will ALWAYS hate it. However, the few times I've been dancing... I have never felt stronger! My knees haven't hurt in a really long time now... my ankles, that have been a problem for the last year, still aren't super strong, but don't ache or swell anymore. All of this tells me... it's working.. whatever I'm doing.. it's working. Now all I have to do is get those numbers on the scale to head in a down like direction and I think I may just be so happy I'll pass out. I also have to remember that it's working when I hit that 30 minute mark in my cardio workout and my head tells me "The experts say 30 minutes a day is all you need, you could get off the machine now and not feel guilty about it." I have to remember that the last time I danced I was the most grounded and balanced I've felt in a long time... I was elated about that! Anyone want to follow me around and remind me of that every 15 minutes... all day?

I'm very excited about all of this... I finally found a balance of doing this day by day again! That's it..it's a single 24 hour period at a time... it's kind of a slow way do think about things... and we all know I'm a big fan of instant gratification... if I can maintain it a day at a time... and on the bad days take it hour by hour....I think I might just be ok. :-)

Don't forget to send in your videos for video of the week! You all have seen me dance (even when I didn't like the way it looked) it's your turn!

Always a Bridesmaid....

Well, maybe not always... but I am right now. As I've mentioned before I am a bridesmaid in Captain's upcoming wedding. I am VERY excited about this... but with the excitement comes trepidation. Not over getting to Florida where the wedding is held, or weather I'll have to maybe prepare a speech. Nope, my severe trepidation comes over the dress.

I'm very fortunate that Captain is sensitive to the idea that different dresses look better for different body types. She picked about five dresses from a designer, and let us pick the ones that would suit us best. So at least that was something I didn't have to worry so much about. However, I've done this bridesmaid thing before... in 2005 at my "pre dance" weight.. and it was a nightmare! I had the consultant make comments about my size, I had arguments with the seamstress once it came in, it all nearly ended in a discrimination lawsuit. It was just not a good experience.

This time around I at least knew that I fall within the parameters of what designers consider an "acceptable" plus size girl... so I knew I could get the dress in my size... it was just a matter of how much. See the wedding industry has the world over a barrel, and they know it. I went in to order my dress, thankfully a different store than in 2005... I actually have no issues with the store this time... just the wedding industry as a whole. So.. I went in to order my dress... had my measurements taken...then was shown the size chart.

Here's where it gets funny... the consultant, who was very nice, had to show me where my measurements fell in the size chart... she then had to have me initial that she showed me. THEN as part of the process...tells me that the dress that fits my measurements will cost $65 extra... but if I wanted to save the money I could order the highest size in the "non-plus size" range... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! That "non-plus size" dress is like 4 sizes too small...why on earth would I want to order that?!?! The Consultant said she had to recommend that just in case I was extremely uncomfortable with the size that fit my measurements... uh..no the size is just a number, and very often varies.. I know this.... I would prefer to have a dress that suits me rather than one I can't zip up and has a little tag in it that says a smaller number. It was bizarre... once I confirmed that I will actually be ordering a dress that fits... I had to initial that I selected that size. You'd think I was signing a mortgage agreement with the number of times I had to initial my choices.

So that part is settled, I tell her when I need the dress by... this was about a month ago. She tells me that there isn't enough time, and that it takes FOUR MONTHS to get a bridesmaid dress. Well heck, I'm not even sure if I knew I was even in this wedding four months ago! Sheesh! So in order to get the dress here in time to allow for alterations they have to put a "super rush" on it... to the tune of an additional $55. *sigh*

Ok fine... I can't really help those things... I have to pay it in order to get it.. I knew the plus size dress was going to cost more...but seriously... it's the same amount of work..it's just a little bit more material. The shipping charge just seemed extravagant to me too. But we're not done there folks... it was then suggested that because I am over 5'8'' tall that I have extra length added to the tune of another $65. Ok...so you charge me because I'm overweight, you charge me because I don't have 1/3 of a year to get the dress... both are actually controllable variables... but NOW you want to charge me because God and my genes made me tall? Uh no... not getting extra length... it's a cocktail length dress anyway it should fall around my knees and be just fine.

That was frustrating... but you know there is more.... Oh, and I did have to initial that I wasn't getting the extra length too.... then when the dress comes in there are alterations to make sure it fits perfectly.. I am told that these typically run $65-$85 in addition to the rest. HA! I've got them trumped there!!! I told the consultant that I have my own designer who will be handling the alterations for me.... (Of COURSE I'm taking this dress to Bonnie's Belle Gowns to be altered!)

*sigh* Grand total... $290. (Considering most of my most popular, compliment receiving, dresses were found on clearance racks for about $40...that's a LOT for me to spend on one item of clothing) My only salvation is that once this dress is finished (it's currently with Bonnie now) I will be able to wear it again... it's quite tasteful, and in a lovely royal blue color. Don't be surprised if you see me running out to every semi-formal event in the spring wearing this dress.

We have about three weeks until Captain's wedding... I'm VERY excited to see her and her hubby again! I'll be sure to get pictures up when I get back!

Working Out and Making Good Choices

Well I'm still going to the gym.... I'm starting to get really bored by it, but it's important that I do this. I've started to go once a day for a longer period of time rather than twice a day for shorter bursts. I have altered my cardio by going in 20-30 minute segments, going to work on some weights, or some core elements, then going to another machine for another 20-30 min. Back to the cardio equipment for a 20 minute stroll on a treadmill. It takes a long time to get this style of work out done.. but it works for me while I've got the time.

This past week has been important for my kicking the choices I make with my food intake into gear. It doesn't matter how much I work out... if I can't make good food choices then there is no point. Losing weight is about one thing... burning more calories than you are taking in pure and simple.... which is a ton easier to type than it is to practice.

So I'm back in the game... and to add to it I have to watch what types of calories I'm eating because I have the classic problem of carrying the majority of my weight around my middle. As I'm sure you have seen on the news, or in any number of magazines, or if you also carry middle weight your physician would have told you. Belly fat is the one type of weight that is the leading cause of bad health conditions as people age. I'm not sure why.. but the numbers don't lie. Also for me, my last big hurdle in really looking my best and as fit as I can be is to trim down my midsection...

The issue is that working out alone doesn't get rid of that midsection...barely even touches it actually. I've lost mass amounts of weight everywhere else except my tummy... so it's all about the food choices. I have to put good fuel into my body to make sure that it's going to burn the proper stored fat and trim me down. What kills me is how simple it sounds. What kills me even more is that some of my support system doesn't get it either... "Well, just do it then." It's just not that simple... It takes active thought nearly every moment of the day.

My food style is pretty much as quick as it can be. I have a big tendency to forget to eat. I know it sounds crazy... but it's true... there are some days when I can make it until 4pm without eating a thing. So then I become so hungry so fast that I'll eat anything that's quick and easy, because once I get hungry... getting dizzy or a headache isn't far behind. So what I've done this week is make a conscious decision to eat shortly after I wake... even if it's just something small, because that will get my metabolism going and get me to eat at regular intervals. Not only that, but it's about WHAT I'm choosing... so that I can kick this belly fat out... so it's lots of LEAN protein (*Sniff*... I love red meat), lots of veggies with little to no dip or dressing (actually something I've become accustomed to and it's really good), and if I do any carbohydrates it will be whole grains and fruit but only early in the day. Also, and this is a big one for me... no beer or wine.... that just goes straight to the gut.

So that's what I'm doing.. I've written it before but it's been hard to maintain..and I'm back on the wagon... this is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE... and I do it all because I know it all will make me a better person...and what I LOVE is that it will make me a better dancer.

I'm working it all out... I'm almost back to the studio for some group classes... I've learned that I can live without ballroom... but it's just not the same quality of life.

Working Out at the Gym.... Week one...

Well week one is over at the gym. Let me tell you, working out at the gym.. I don't care WHAT kind of cardio you do.. is NO replacement for ballroom dancing! I can handle 40 to 70 minutes on the elliptical machine (the kind that has your arms moving too) with resistance and hill, and still not feel the same complete work out that ballroom dancing provides in 30-40 minutes. There is no wonder why Ballroom gets the reputation it does as such a complete workout.

I started this week with my personal training session. My trainer was very nice, she's actually a professional kick boxer too, and that's something I can respect. I don't know what it is that people think of me when they see me, in all honesty I don't normally care.. but my trainer really underestimated my level of physical fitness. We started with a 5 minute cardio warm up on the treadmill... and then went right for conditioning exercises. I did wall push ups against a yoga ball... good tip because that helps you engage your core for balance... but it doesn't really feel very safe. We then did some weights, they were kind of light for me... the trainer made the comment that I wasn't sweating enough...and increased my weights... all done while balanced on a yoga ball to make sure my core was engaged.. which is exactly what I needed.. and told her as much during my warm up. After weights we went to the free range of motion machine....well.. one of them.. they are kind of like resistance bands...only put into a machine with weights. Here I did some leg extensions where the trainer was impressed that I could keep my knee at such a high level. :-)

Finally, we went to the floor and worked on some non-sit-up ab work... which was interesting... and hard. It involved a lot of balancing on my knees..which my knees didn't care for much...at all. But I stuck it out and didn't complain.. unless it really hurt...which it did a couple of times! My favorite part of the whole ordeal was the assisted stretching at the end. It was very reminiscent of an episode I'd seen of "No Reservations", where Anthony Bourdain goes to Uzbekistan and gets a crazy "massage".... I survived! It was a 40 minute work out...with 20 minutes carved out to sit in one of those offices and talk about a possible plan.. hmmm.. that sounds a lot like a first lesson in a ballroom studio! ;-) Well I did tell the trainer that a "plan" was not an option... and I was very firm about it. I did however listen to her prices and plan idea...and she in turn listened to my feedback on my experience. I did like working with her.. and I told her in the end that if I'm around when she decides to fight next I'd like to see it... a kickboxing match might be a fun experience.

Once we parted ways I decided that my workout was good...the stretching was nice..but I needed cardio.... the only way to lose weight is to burn calories...a lot of them.. so I jumped on the elliptical for an additional 30 minutes.

While I did hurt the next day...a lot... I still showed up to the gym and pounded out some more cardio and for the most part have been doing just that twice a day... plus some of the core work the trainer showed me. I hope to keep this up until I have gainful employment, and who knows... I may consider joining a gym (one of my own choosing, not this particular one) once I do have a job to help in addition to my dancing.

Next challenge... get the eating under control.. but more about that later...

1st Day at the Gym... Still Living the Life of a Fat Girl

Well today was rather successful over all I have to tell you. However, I was blatantly reminded that I'm still a fat girl...

I dutifully printed my one free week pass to the health club/gym that I dread and arrived at the location around 11am. I walked in and was pleased that the space appeared to be remodeled since my last visit... which means no real visual cues of my past bad visits. Good start! I showed my printed pass to the gal behind the desk and she promptly brought out a guy who's sole job it seems is to sign up new members.

This guy.. let me tell you... appearance alone isn't what you'd expect as an employee of a gym. I'm all for equal opportunity employment... but this guy was short, old, had some kind of skin condition on his hands, and was SEVERELY overweight. I don't know, but if I owned my own gym, sure I'd employ him.... but not as the person my new customers would meet. I wouldn't even hire myself as that person. Anyway... I was a bit wary of his appearance before he opened his mouth, but then he pulled me into one of the offices and I was immediately put on guard. Anytime any of these types of organizations pull you into an office... be it a gym, or a dance studio... be ready to talk dollars and cents.

This guy started with trying to pull out his book of programs... I stopped him before he even had the book from one side of the desk to the other...

"Ok, before you go any further... let me tell you why I'm here, we can shorten up this conversation ok?" He stops, sets his little book of plans down... clearly he doesn't deal with people like me very often. :-)

"Great..." I say, seeing his response "....I'm here because I'm unemployed and I need to get out of my house, my father has been a member here since the doors opened, and I want to do the month to month membership, no strings attached because I don't know where my next job is going to take me."

He's a little surprised... "Ok.. so you want to do this plan..." and he pulls out the sheet with the month to month prices on it. "...do you want to do personal training?"

"Nope, just the membership."

This is where I almost lost my mind.. this guy.. this out of shape, homely, skin rash having guy gives me the once over... LOOKS ME OVER HEAD TO TOE... and says "No training...really?"

"No training... I've already managed to drop more than 100 pounds with ballroom dancing... I'm here because I can't afford dance right now and I don't want any weight to come back... I don't need a personal trainer...." I say with venom in every syllable. I can NOT believe that he just did that!!!

"Oh! well ok then... lets get you signed up." He tries to give me a high five, and I don't respond... the lines have been drawn.

I then realize that the ceiling above the office is open to all the other offices... because I hear someone cough back a chuckle from one of the other offices. Good...I'm glad someone heard me!

I then find out that not only do I have to still put up with this guy for a few more minutes...but I have to actually join and pay my money today, instead of waiting until the end of my free week. Once again... I'm irritated...

"Why does the month to month deal end today? It's not the end of the month..or even a Saturday... do you have this documented somewhere? I'm losing out on a free week if I sign up today."

Sure enough he shows me documentation that says the deal increases by $10 after today, so my head scrambles to figure out if I have the money to pay today. Turns out... I did.

My mood had clearly not improved, as I wrote my check for the first AND last month (also listed in the documentation) and I mumble something about still losing my free week. Then this guy says he'll give me a free personal training session.

"I'll take a free personal session sure..." I say as he's out the door to find the Training manager.

Moments later I'm met by the car salesman of personal training... oh boy... I've been through this before too... guard still up.. I shake his hand. This guy at least looks the part... he's good looking, really fit, and has that fake tan that would make any body builder (or ballroom dancer for that matter) proud.

"So what are your goals?" He asks me.

"To get out of my apartment and continue to lose weight while I can't dance." I reply

So we discuss real quick how much I have left to lose, and how I lost my weight so far. This guy is ready to take me out to the machines right now.. but I didn't want to do this today.

"Have you ever worked with a personal trainer before?" Typical question.. I get it...

"Nope, that's part of what my ballroom instructors do for me." I reply.

Basically I'm telling him without saying the words... I don't need your services...end of story.

I left the office with my free training session scheduled for 10am tomorrow morning... this guy is telling me "Well, Ballroom doesn't involve a lot of resistance training...so that's probably where we're going to start you."

I wanted to tell him that Ballroom is FULL of resistance, leverage, and muscle control... but let him think what he wants....I'll tell the trainer I work with tomorrow that I know what I want to get out of this session... and I'll get it too.

After I left the office I went to the locker room, stashed my stuff and proceeded to pound out 50 minutes on the elliptical trainer, not NEARLY as intense as even 30 minutes of Ballroom dancing...but it got the job done. I then stretched, went home and rested, walked mom's dogs and returned to the gym to get another 35 minutes pounded out. My knees ache a bit... but I really needed all that. My goal is to be in that gym a minimum of once a day if not twice on most days, for the duration of my unemployment. No excuses.

Just goes to show you though... doesn't matter where I go.. I'm still reminded every now and again by the odd stranger that I'm still a fat girl... only they don't know who they're messing with. ;-)

I do however need to point out... that while there are a few similarities between the gym and a dance studio... I have NEVER been made to feel awkward or fat or out of place at a dance studio...not even when I was carrying an extra 100lbs, and THAT speaks volumes about dance studios and the honest professionals I know.

Life Without Dancing... Finding Motivation

Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, I honestly do. I can go up and down in a matter of hours. Probably because of my ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). However, I wouldn't have it any other way. Having my mind work the way it does, allows me to be the person that I am...and I don't know about you, but overall, I really like her, craziness and all! I have learned that the low points will pass... and I'm learning how to hang on to my positive inspirational moods every time they strike. I thank Dancing for teaching me that too, as well as everything else.

So what is going on now that I'm not able to really participate in my beloved pastime and obsession that is Ballroom Dancing? Well, aside from the daily submission of resumes, phone interviews, and figuring out how on earth I'm going to come up with finances to live until I get a job... it's been a bit up and down... I'm not going to lie, we know I don't do that here. It goes back and forth between being ok and feeling almost tolerable, to some afternoons where I can't get out of bed because I'm having trouble seeing whatever light might be at the end of the tunnel. Oh and it's only been two weeks, I've got 6 more before Captain's wedding and probably at least 2 before I set foot back into my dance studio for a group class or three.

I miss it, I miss dancing with a partner, sure on the ok days you'll find me practicing a Salsa shine, or trying to work on some of the technique drills I've learned along the way, but it's not the same. A few days ago I caught myself in one of my more down moments feeling like I was punishing myself by not dancing, only not being able to come up with justification for it. I knew that was a very wrong way of thinking... so I immediately loaded up my small workout MP3 player with my current favorite workout songs put the ear buds in and hit play... You know what? It worked! Even if it's just for 4min and 21 seconds of a Black Eyed Peas song, I almost immediately felt better and couldn't sit still. (Which is good, because the last two weeks have been filled with a lot of sitting). Since then my MP3 player, hasn't left my side. Upon waking up if I'm feeling like it's going to be one of those days... I start my player with one of my new Salsas and I'm up and smiling.

Still though, there needs to be more... there needs to be more than my sitting around on the phone, or on the web job hunting, waiting for the time to go walk my mom's pup, and then quietly retreating back to my apartment (which has affectionately been nicknamed "the cave") to surf some more, or catch the latest in TV's fall line up. So I put some plans I'd been thinking about into action... first being designing a few dance inspiration related t-shirts to sell. I want more of this blog, I think you as my readers deserve more, and I'm planning on bringing it. Including but not limited to, dancing, weight loss, and wise eating choices (because we know "diet" is a bad word in my world) that inspire me along the way. So keep your eyes here. :-)

Second, I have to stop sitting... I can feel the lethargy of old coming back, it's almost as if my muscles are beginning to atrophy, and quite frankly it's grossing me out. I KNOW I've put some weight back on since being unemployed.. much less in the two weeks I haven't been in for lessons. (I'm afraid to check the scale though, but plan to by the end of the week) Dancing is bliss, don't get me wrong, but part of that bliss is the endorphins that come with the workout. Not to mention that I need to get out of "the cave" a bit more often. So my dad has procured information for joining the gym (he's belonged to this gym since the beginning of time) on a month to month basis. It's actually rather cheap (which is great, cuz that's all that's in my budget) and it's about time that I set to change my mind about his particular gym.... this gym and I... we have history...and it's not pleasant.

This is the gym I was forced to join as a kid... twice if memory serves... during the times when my parents thought I was in dire need for getting in shape, and I was less than motivated. It's old, is typically filled with older people, and quite frankly I just don't have good memories about the place. SO... now that I'm older, wiser, very interested in walking back into that dance studio in better shape than I walked out of it, and have my MP3 player to protect and motivate me, I'm going back... Get this... I'm actually looking forward to it!

So yes, I am working VERY hard at keeping all the bad negative thoughts away, and maintaining at least shreds of that powerful inspiration I had towards the end of my dancing. Even just a little will keep me going. Not having RT and Largo as direct inspiration is really hard, but I have to learn how to do all this on my own... and I'm taking you all with me.

Which brings me to my question for all of you... What inspires you? I'm really interested to hear what gets you all out of bed in the morning and what is the first thing you go for when you're feeling down? Let me know! It takes all types to make this crazy world work... and I'm very interested in what you have to say!

I'm listening!

My 29th Year is Coming to a Close...

Well a new year is upon us… Happy 2009 everyone! May it bring all you desire and more!

This time of year for me is time for big reflection… This year probably a little more than most… as I had stated last year, January 1 is absolutely a day to start things anew…but for me… being that my birthday is just after I consider my birthday my day to start fresh.

Am I the only one that is surprised every year when I hit my birthday?? Seriously, am I the only one that is mildly shocked that I survived another year? This past year was better than most, but not as good as the one prior. This year is a big goodbye for me… actually kind of a happy one… this year I say good bye to my 20’s and welcome my 30’s.

Wow, 30… That’s a number I never thought I’d see! I don’t know why… but I just never thought I’d be here… much less be as generally happy as I am. Sure the end of 2008/my 29^th year was a rough… and I’m still working through a lot of that… but it has subsided from a raging pain, to more of a dull ache. Of course, I still have my dancing to keep me sane.

So let’s review… during my 29^th year I:

Did manage to lose some weight, but only a mere fraction of the year before…still we’ll call that a plus.

Did maintain my dancing, even improved in some areas, but due to my own lack of discipline I didn’t progress as far as I would have liked.

Did change jobs, which was a major goal of mine… I got the pay increase I wanted, and have started on some new adventures in a whole new field.

Did start the writing projects I wanted to… although none of them are finished… progress has been made, but considering I never thought of myself as a writer, I’m pleased.

I won’t be focusing on what I didn’t do… as that could trigger some serious depression and we just don’t want to go there.

In my 30^th year I hope to:

Start back on getting some major weight loss done… if all goes as planned I’ll be at my target weight by this time next year.

Improve in my dancing, and would really like to become more of a dancer…instead of merely “dabbling” in dance, which means practice more…because more frequent lessons simply aren’t in the budget.

Become successful in my job, which will happen if I continue to remain disciplined on the tasks they give me.

Finish at least 2 of my 4 writing projects and begin looking for publishers.

Work on expanding my social circles… meeting new people shouldn’t be as terrifying as I seem to think it is… and it would be nice to have some fresh perspectives in my life.

Wow... 30... really? Seriously???

My Inspiration... A Few Notes From My Readers...

I can't help it... Winter is an emotional time for me... I often get off track and start putting weight back on like I'm a bear preparing for hibernation... However, while dancing itself, RT and even my new instructor Largo are my main sources for my drive to improve... another source has been a constant... My readers. You guys are truly AWESOME and completely INSPIRING to me! I have reached a point where I can't not share... I can't not share the highlights from some of my favorite e-mails. Per the rules... all identifying information has been removed or changed.

Please join me in celebrating and thanking these ladies for being strong beautiful role models in their own rights!!

"Wow - you are so inspirational to me! I've been taking dance lessons for about three years now, and I wish I could say that I've lost weight - but I'm going in the opposite direction and dancing is becoming harder and harder for me. Part of the problem is that I tend to hold my breath - still when you're dragging around [all this weight], it's no surprise that I can't breathe!

Right now I'm struggling with the spiral turn - as you mentioned, at the end of some cuban walks. I can't seem to make it all the way around - but I'm trying to practice here at home.

Have you succeeded?

Well, you probably wrote about the spiral turn a while back and are no doubt an expert at it now. I just wanted to say that I was excited to find your blog, and I'm saving it as a favorite so I can live vicariously through your weight loss and dancing success."

"I have to say that I've been thinking a lot lately about what you've accomplished. Last night I went to an informational meeting at the local hospital on gastric bypass surgery. It's not for me - that's for sure - but I've never gotten this desperate before - never to the point where I've even considered it. Pretty scary to be in a room with all of those people who've reached the ends of their ropes - I haven't yet - and I think the reason for that is knowing what you did and how far you've come. I need to continue to read your blog and take that as inspiration. It was really a stroke of good fortune that I happened upon it - because even though I haven't made the right changes in my life yet - you did it, and I hope that means I can do it, too.

What about you? Did you get a lot of positive feedback on the magazine article? I took it to my dance studio, and they have it posted on the bulletin board. Everyone is so impressed - and it's just very cool!"

"I just wanted to let you know how much I like your blog.

When I was fourteen, I did one dancing class, and absolutely hated it. I was too clumsy, too tall, too slow, too……. Whatever.

From that time, I have always avoided to do any ballroom dancing, until very recently. Now I am 41, an absolute beginner, but I love love love ballroom dancing, and fully understand why you said that it has changed your life. I can feel the changes creeping into my life already – after only six lessons.

Here in Germany they teach some different dances, for instance now East Coast/West Coast dances, but there are also many similarities. Last night we learned the basic rumba steps, and that went surprisingly well, so today is a good day ;-))

Your blog is in my favourites folder, and I regularly come back to see how you are doing, and learning a lot from your experiences/words.

Thank you."

"I have started to incorporate eating healthy. My
kids are mostly fine with it, my husband is the one who is having most
problem with it but he is adjusting. I'm trying to think of lots of
activities that involve my whole family. I live in Las Vegas NV so we
have been doing alot of hiking on trails in Mt. Charleston and Red Rock
Canyon. My five year old loves it. My two year old loves it also but
she is kind of prone to falling down so she does have a few scrapes.
She does have fun though. You are truly an inspiration to me!
Thank you."

"I found your blog a couple of weeks ago while looking desperately online to find someone I could relate to as I started my journey to become a ballroom dancer! I just started dancing a few months ago here in Nashville.

I too, am starting this journey with a LOT of weight to lose. I'm down 40 pounds from a high last year. I've been heavy my whole life and am just starting to realize that I've always dreamed of being a dancer - but had NEVER allowed myself to even remotely entertain the thought that it was possible. I started out lessons with my husband, thinking it would be nice for us to do together - he cooperated, but it wasn't his thing...but I fell in LOVE. I've been taking individual lessons with my teacher now since mid-September.

Thank you SO much for putting yourself out there online - it has helped me tremendously to see that this can absolutely be a road to a healthier and happier me - because you are doing it so well!"

"I am inspired by your courage to take lessons where the focus is on the body--dancing. I love ice dancing and ballroom dancing, but don't have a sense of musicality, so two or three left feet, plus the body image is in the way.

I always imagine that someday I will take lessons and dance, but am too intimidated to do that with my size.

Thanks for writing your blog."

"Girl, you are an inspiration!

I found your blog yesterday by accident, after having a particularly rough day at my ballroom lesson (he's teaching me new steps & I feel like a bumbling dinosaur), and prior to the lesson having passed on to me the unasked for opinion of a former ballroom dancer who is totally sour on the entire industry.

I was actually thinking of stopping, but your blog made me remember why I started doing this (in May) & how far I've come, on the outside and the inside. Made me more determined to keep negative people out of my life - isn't there always someone ready to rain on a good parade?

Keep dancing, Miss Kitty, and keep on blogging.

P.S.: Your pictures - are gorgeous. You absolutely glow."

I read these, and others like them a lot (all 1,477 of them so far)... and they make me laugh, sometimes shed the occasional tear... and absolutely know that I have to continue... this journey not only means the world to me... but it seems I'm bringing a few folks with me! Hey the more the merrier!

From the bottom of my heart, with the greatest of sincerity... if I could reach through the internet and hug you all I would... THANK YOU!!! You have no idea how inspirational you each have become to me... Always let me know how you're doing... I respond to all e-mails...keep reading... together we can improve ourselves... and above all... HAPPY DANCING and HAPPY LIFE!!!

With Much Appreciation and Love,
Kat

Sometimes I Forget....

....And then a friend posts old pictures on FaceBook!

Ok so it looks like I ate a watermelon or something!!! That shirt was tight too!!

These pics are from a dear friend's wedding in July of 2006. Literally 4 weeks into my dancing... I remember distinctly raving about this new dance thing, and telling a friend about how I'd already lost 12 pounds! (Why does it look like I was so big my friend had to climb on me to look like he was next to me!!)

I see current pics of me and I HATE them! Then I saw these pics on FaceBook tonight. I just blurted out "Oh...My...God!!!!"

I forget... I forget what I was before...and I focus only on what is now... and all the things that need to be improved on... This pic is staying right here on the blog... so I WON'T forget...

....Wow... I have a lot further to go.... But look how far I've come!!!

Look! I've always tucked my chin in in pictures... I HATE that...but LOOK!! This was October 2008. Same Chin position... MUCH LESS CHIN!!! :-) So much less everything else too... that dress is 8 sizes smaller than the shirt above... and that dress probably could have been a tad smaller. :-)

It's all because I wanted to be better at dancing...and losing weight was my most direct path to getting there... Now it's losing weight, and practicing that's going to get me there! Oh I'm really glad my friend put these pictures up.... what a wake up call!!!

ACK! Daring Style Dress Calls for Drastic Measures!!!

So my life has grown quite serious lately... and I'm not complaining... I mean outside the seriousness of all that is going on in the world around us... my own personal world keeps getting rocked to it's core. Another quake like the one delivered this week, and I may be altered forever.

BUT... I give you from whatever is left of my land of funny... what I'm attempting to go through the week before this semi-formal dinner at the regional competition this weekend.

So, lets first review.... I don't compete... I attend to watch, be entertained, entertain during down times, and most importantly support my friends and instructors.

As we get closer to cocktail hour (5pm) on Sunday (I'll have been there since about 9 or 10am). I have to make a dash for my car and grab my evening wear. As everyone that was competing for the day changes downstairs...I make my way to the upstairs restroom and move in for about 30 minutes for my wardrobe change, makeup and hair session. You see...when the evenings at these comps begin I feel like it's my time to shine in my small way. I always try and push my own personal envelope as to what I can do to dress up. Before ballroom I'd dress up maybe once every two years...now I find myself getting all dolled up at least four times a year!!!

THIS time I'm pushing my own personal style meter WAY over. I found a dress that is very pretty, but in a style I wouldn't EVER have considered wearing pre dancing. It's a halter style (the kind of dress that ties behind the neck on top) it's long, but I NEVER, EVER, in about ten years at least, have my upper arms and back exposed... EVER.... to the point where my shoulders and my back haven't even seen the sun long enough to be anything but pure white.

<---Not my dress, but an idea of what kind of skin I'm exposing!!!

This is where the funny begins... I need to tan... ME... the girl who hasn't tanned since about the age of 12, and makes fun of her sister for her permanent "fake n' bake" tan...has decided that she needs to be tan... Well really, unless I want to have shoulders so white my dance partners are blinded by the light reflecting off of them, I need to tan. So I've been trying the lotion route... which then begs the question... How does a gal who has two cats as roommates get self tanner on her back??

She uses a 30 gallon garbage bag in a towel type motion to get it evenly distributed.

Yeah.. that was the funny... but WAIT... there's more!

Not only do my shoulders and back repel the sun, they repel self tanning lotion too! Yes, that's right folks... after trying for about 7 days in a row... most of my body is either nicely tan, slightly jaundice looking, or BARELY tan at all!!! ACK! (We're not even going to mention the dark spots on the dry skin at my elbows...ok??)

So... I'm gonna do what all good ballroom dancers do... I'm kicking and screaming about it the whole way though...

I'm going to get a professional spray tan...in one of those booth things...at my local national chain tanning salon.

You have NO IDEA the anxiety that I'm going through about this... First... I've never been to a tanning salon... Second... typically this tanning stuff is done pretty much naked... um...yeah... I'm so modest... If I could shower with a swimsuit on in my own bathroom I would... (but lets face it..that's kind of counter productive to showering). I went for a massage once... and REFUSED to take off my swimsuit.... the masseuse made fun of me the whole time... the massage was nice...but I wouldn't call a battle of wits like that very relaxing.

I have done my extensive research... I found the kind of tanning booth I want...and I did watch the tanning video that the manufacturer had online... it doesn't seem SO bad... and there wasn't anything in the rules that said I couldn't have SOMETHING on... so I'm working all that out....
no I won't be wearing a swimsuit...and NO you don't get to know what I will be wearing!!

SO...now I'm trying to scrub off 7 days of self tanning lotion, and come Saturday at 9am I'm going to be at the salon getting the most stressful five minute spray that's ever been done...then I have to stand myself for a MINIMUM of 4 hours (the smell of spray tan is pretty icky) before I can gently shower with some good smelling stuff and head out for Saturday night... All I hope and pray is that it lasts through Sunday night when I have to wear this dress... and dance some social dances with my arms and back out there for all to see... this stupid tan better stick...or absorb..or whatever it is it's supposed to do.

Someday I'll figure out why everything I do has to be such a production... OR... Someday I'll figure out how to turn my productions into one hell of a stand up routine. :-)

Oh... YES... I'll try and get you pictures...of me in the dress.